May 24, 2019



PETA Saves 230 Million Year Old Lobster Frozen Inside Ice In Arctic

(AB) 1-11-09 Joe Blow - AB Staff Writer

PETA Saves 230 Million Year Old Lobster Frozen Inside Ice In Arctic Circle

Scientists and radical terrorist organization PETA have managed to free a 230 million year old lobster this week and brought the magnificent creature back to life through modern scientific techniques.

It was reported that a rogue pack of dolphins had broken free from a local fishing net and contacted PETA for assistance. It was noted that the dolphins had also freed numerous species of sea kittens. After PETA received the report, they contacted the United States who subsequently contacted the Queen after CIA officials questioned PETA about their involvement. CIA officials sequestered two dolphins for questioning and it was later revealed that the dolphins had been tortured and killed, but officials stated that even though they gained no intelligence, they still benefited from the ordeal. The two dolphins were found in a dumpster, dead and bloated, behind the Omaha CIA branch office. No one was charged.

The Royal Navy dispatched two ships and an aircraft carrier to the Arctic Circle in search of the dolphins and any sign of sea kittens who may have been hurt in the ordeal. It was decided early in the search rescue by the coalition of the willing that it would be necessary to take over three countries in order to protect the world from the evil terrorist threat and save the dolphins. Only two countries suffered systematic genocide. Officials were "trying to remain focused on the task at hand", which appears to be killing as many people as possible. Leaders remained optimistic, in spite of the killing.

In the recent global warming calamity, the Arctic Circle has been freeing many frozen species from their wombs due to man made global warming. Scientists are ever useful at making destruction a useful tool in research. One fine example is a long extinct turtle that has since learned to talk and told reporters that The Mutant Ninja Turtles are actually based on an ancient myth. Scientists have determined that global warming has already killed 3 times as many people last year than alcohol, second hand smoke, auto accidents, and cancer combined. Global warming killed 23 billion lobster, just last year. It is hoped more lobsters will escape from ice to negate the increased chances of extinction, due to global warming. It is estimated that the total number of lobster killed is over twenty-three gigavillion.

The amazing discovery was made on an iceberg due to an insurgent clan that had taken siege of the frozen mass in an attempt to intimidate the fishermen to stop their global campaign of genocide against the fish and fluffy sea kittens. The Royal Navy responded killing 320,000 insurgents.

After using a combination of napalm and chemical/biological warfare, the Royal Navy had still not secured the iceberg. They opted for a small scale nuclear device and still didn't manage to secure the iceberg, but they did destroy it completely. During the detonation, the lobster had been freed and landed in a Greenpeace protesters makeshift raft. The CIA descended on the raft with snipers and managed to secure the scene and the lobster and also saved the world from the evils of Terror, Inc. Only 32 Greenpeace members were killed in the skirmish.

The UN declared the entire arctic region a humanitarian crisis, but that was about it. No further action from the UN was expected.

The ongoing war and destruction in the arctic region is likely to rage on for centuries. Analysts fear the ongoing turmoil in the region will negatively affect Greenland's positive tourism future in the warmer global climate. But, leaders remain optimistic that through hope and a belief in a better tomorrow, we can hope for change.

The lobster is now doing well and expects to retire in Florida and make seashell crafts and protest PETA in his spare time.

After the heroic efforts of all involved, the CIA deactivated PETA as a terrorist organization for their efforts in saving the sea kittens and combating terrorism. The org issued a statement that they regretted the loss of life, but said it was more tan worth the cause. Twelve Iraq veterans were reported trampled by the riot police in subsequent protests .

Support the boycott of fishing retailers everywhere. Don't help the terrorists. Just shut up.